Sunday, September 22, 2013

You Might Be a F.A.N. (F#ck A$$ N*gga) If...

Its no secret that the dating scene here in Atlanta is one big cesspool of crazy, to say the least. It seems like I meet men wherever I go, and while some of them end up being worth my time, for the most part a lot of them come with their own unique brand of loser-ness. My best friend Monica and I have come up with an affectionate nickname for all the bozos that fall into this category: F.A.Ns (fuck ass niggas). F.A.N.s are everywhere: at the grocery store, at the gym, at the car wash, posted up at the bar of your favorite lounge. You know the type... that cocky guy who steps to you, yet seems to be completely oblivious to his inherent lameness. I present for your entertainment ten true F.A.N. stories from the mean streets of Atlanta.

You might be a F.A.N. if...

1. You lie about having your own place, when really you and your dog sleep on the couch at your brother's girlfriend's house.

2. You invite me out, then cop an attitude about paying for my $12.00 meal.

3. You claim to be Kurupt's younger brother, and expect my panties to become instantly wet from that irrelevant tidbit of knowledge.

4. You try to bribe me into dating you by offering to buy me gift cards to my favorite store.

5. You say you don't have any kids, but your cover photo on Facebook shows you hugged up with two children who look like your identical twins.

6. You offer me Molly on our first date, then become angry with me when I refer to you as "being on drugs."

7. You divorced your ex-wife over a year ago, but you still have her old makeup and toiletries in your bathroom.

8. You think meeting at Starbucks for a cup of coffee is too expensive, and you get an attitude when I decline your offer to hang out at my place instead.

9. You text me like clock work every two weeks to see if I've changed my mind about sleeping with you.

10. Your homeboy dropped you off for our first date, and you made no plans for a ride home, because you fully expected that I'd be giving you a ride back to my place.

I swear I couldn't make this stuff up, even if I tried. And while the faint of heart would probably give up on this dating thing altogether, I can't lie, these F.A.Ns and their antics keep me thoroughly entertained. Hell, if I can't find Mr. Right, I might as well get a good laugh (and some fodder for my blog) while I try.

Till next time, folks!


Monday, September 2, 2013

Blueprint (Momma Loves Me), Inspired by Jay-Z (Yep, She Writes Raps Too...LOL)

Anyone who knows me well knows that Jay-Z is one of my favorite rappers, and The Blueprint is one of my favorite albums of all time. On my way back to Atlanta from Charleston earlier today, I found myself stuck in Labor Day traffic on I-26. As my frustration level started to rise, track 13 from the album, "Blueprint (Momma Loves Me)" came up in my playlist. I don't know what it is about being stuck in traffic that makes my creative juices start to flow, but as I was listening all I could think about was what a dope poem/personal remix this song would make. I starting rummaging through my glove compartment for any random piece of paper I could find, and came up with an old CVS receipt. Excited, I started scribbling down my version of the song, and forgot all about how annoyed I initially was by the holiday traffic. Here's the actual song, followed by my version.

Momma loved me
Pop left me
Julie fed me
Leona dressed me
Saisha fought with me
made me tougher
Love you for that forever,
no matter what, girl.
The Hike raised me
and whether right or wrong
my life gave me all
that I write in this song.
Tasha babysitted,
changed my diaper
Jason introduced me to the blunt that
changed my life up.
Fab Five grew me,
had me skipping school,
first boyfriend Michael
had me making moves.
Momma raised me,
Pop I miss you,
God help me forgive him
I got some issues.
Lisa cleaned my ears,
Sandra shampooed my hair
Leona was fly,
Shit, I used to want her gear.
First grandchild,
I could do no wrong
Years moving past fast,
let's move along
College campus,
picked up some shady skills
Dig made me believe
our shit was real.
Wilding, getting high
couldn't foresee
a stint in rehab would
bring me back to me.
Tiffany fucked with me,
Camea did too.
Shoulda kept in touch,
Moved on to something new.
Momma loved me
Pop left me
Grandma dressed me
plus she fed me
banana pudding,
was in the hood then
puffing on blacks
with my girl Apryl.
Kim rolled with a chick,
fell out over dude.
Your ass was right all along,
I didn't have a clue.
Danielle fucked with a chick,
always had my back.
Carl played his part,
until he broke my heart.
Getting my head on straight,
but still a little wild now
then came the call to teach,
time to slow it down.
August '08, got my shit in line,
now I'm six years in,
still shaping minds.
Momma loved me
Aundrea, Auntie D
loves you to death, won't let no trouble
come your way.
Oh, can't forget my boy in the middle east,
he's gone till November,
how can I not remember?
One of those great loves,
helped change me
but you had a wife
wish I could tell her sorry.
Unless you was me,
how can you judge me?
I was brought up in pain,
y'all can't touch me.
Past pursues me,
to chase, cuff, and subdue me
Despite my mistakes,
I'm young, fly, and free
and breaking every chain.
Not living by the rules
Wanna see a real woman?
Take a walk in my shoes.
Monica, you still with me
Nigga, what did I say?
We still do it big,
taking over the A.
That ain't the whole story,
just part of the game,
she made the transition,
to the peace from the pain.
My momma loves me....