Sunday, February 17, 2013

Happy Five Year Sober-versary to Me!

This past week (February 11th, to be exact) I celebrated five years of being marijuana free. To some people, this is probably no big deal; but those who know me well know what a HUGE deal that is. Weed was one of those things that I never really thought you could have a legitimate addiction to, until I found myself spiraling further and further out of control. For about six years of my life, no matter what I did, I had to be high before I did, school, recreation, family events, etc. Marijuana became as important as food or water. I just didn't feel normal without it. The fact that I'm a super intelligent person made it even easier to live in denial about the fact that I had a problem. I had completed college, earned an MBA, gotten a good job at a newspaper and then a magazine, and I was high every single step of the way. Even after I began to recognize that I might really have a problem, quitting seemed like too much work. Not being high meant that I would have to deal with all my insecurities, disappointments, daddy/mommy issues, an emotionally abusive short, I'd have to deal with that girl in the mirror, and she was someone I had grown to hate.

2008 was a turning point year for me. I was tired...tired of living in a perpetual fog, tired of feeling like there was a person living inside me that I really didn't know, tired of feeling like I was falling short of all that I was truly capable of. I knew that I wanted to quit, but I was so afraid...afraid of admitting that I had a problem, afraid of looking weak, afraid of having to leave my friends and old lifestyle behind. But mostly, I was afraid that I didn't know how to quit, afraid that I would fail and end up worse off than when I began. Something made me try anyway. Making the decision to go to rehab was probably the most courageous thing I've ever done, and I truly do believe that it saved my life. For 13 months, I met one-on-one with a counselor, and in the safety of that space, I was forced to confront some dark, ugly, painful moments that I had been attempting to avoid by self-medicating. I also met with a recovery group every week, composed of crack addicts, heroine addicts, sex addicts, prescription drug addicts, alcoholics, and people battling a variety of mental illnesses. I learned so much from sharing and bonding with every single one of them over the course of that year, and I will never forget them. Most importantly, I learned how to heal and move forward, and ultimately love me.

Sitting here five years later, I look back over how far I've come and I am truly in awe. Comparing the broken, confused girl I was to the self-assured, emotionally confident woman that I am now lets me know that there must be some kind of wonderful, miraculous God. High off life? Yep, I'll take that over marijuana any day!



  1. So very proud of you and this blog! I think, especially as legislation moves toward national acceptance of marijuana use, there is a non-stigma of smoking. I have seen it destroy ambition, follow-through, finances, and relationships. Again, bravo! Love